It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
