I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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