The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I didn't notice because vodka
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
