at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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