Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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