those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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