She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
