I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
