Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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