Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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