She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
