You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
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