Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
