so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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