his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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