You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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