He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Less talking, more tequila
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
