i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
