Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
did you just send me my own nude
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
