billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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