My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
