Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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