You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
