i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
