i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
