dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
