Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
