I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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