Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
