the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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