Pappa wants mamma naked
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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