No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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