Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you guys were way drunker than both of me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
