So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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