you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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