Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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