the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
