So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize