I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My feet surprised me
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