just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
