My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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