im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There's always time for handjobs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize