I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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