I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
