As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
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I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize