I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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