Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
