A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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