Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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