On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
