I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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