Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
well you can't waste a boner
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
