At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
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Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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