I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
