I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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