we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
